My Precious King

Why do I always see your name (literally and figuratively) wherever I look?

What this Feeling Does

Wow! I can't believe that I'm having another entry again. It's 2nd day in a row, and it's record-breaking! I don't know. I just feel that I have to document or remember these things. Someday, I have a feeling that they will matter. I just feel that something good is about to happen. Oops, I'm assuming and hoping again! Well, I just have to share it in a way.

Last night, I slept feeling sad and disappointed. Feeling heart broken. However, a part of me was already ready to move on. I know right, I always say that. Fall in love. Move on. Fall in love with same person. Get hurt. Move on. Fall in love. It's really getting to be like a cycle already. It tires me sometimes.

This morning, I don't remember expecting anymore. I was happy because I was able to sleep, and I continued doing my morning routine. After taking a bath, tadaaa! I saw his text message. He said "Good morning!," and reminded me to greet her. It took me some time to figure out if I would reply or not. Of course, I did. I said "Yes, thanks!," and told him that I got hurt, but he didn't even say sorry. I had the courage to say that. I was also surprised because I don't usually say that to people outside my family. I'm not that vocal even with my best friend. He apologized, and when I didn't accept his first apology, he said "sorry" for like 28 times. I'm not sure if I'm being hollow, but I felt his sincerity and forgave him right away haha.

In the afternoon, we had a rehearsal. He was late. Seeing each other, we acted normally. Talking. Teasing each other. The normal us.

I know I'm just into him; that's why, I keep on giving meaning to everything that relates to him. I just wanted to share that two people expressed that, for the lack of a better term, we're perfect for each other. One of them was my coworker, and the other one is my friend. It feels like I'm in cloud 9 again.

However, Lord, just like yesterday, I still have the same prayer. I am still asking for that courage to face whatever is meant to happen. However, I am also begging you to help me do the right thing. Thank you, Jesus Christ! I love you! Please continue to help my family.

PS
Please help my sister get her pass. Thank you! Please?

Not again!

For the past few days, I had the impression that he's being sweet. He was very consistent texting and calling me. As usual, I assumed that there was something. I did. As always, I now end up crying. The "crying" started last night. I got jealous. How dare him asking me to keep his gift for her. How dare him making me feel that she's more important to him! How dare him remembering her birthday before it happens when he forgot my birthday. How dare him preparing and buying a special gift for her. I know this is not right. I don't have the right to feel this way, but this is how I feel. I guess this is not about her because there couldn't be "them." I actually feel guilty because she's my friend. It's just that he's making me feel that he can do special things for people when he hasn't made me feel that way. Ever. And it does hurt.

Today, he texted again. He seemed so down, so I tried to lift up his spirit. What did I receive in return? Sarcasm. I don't understand why I cried right after reading his message. He got a point again. He hurt me again. He's again giving me the impression that he does not care that much. He wasn't sorry. He wasn't guilty. All I received was his message telling me that it was just a joke, telling me that it was me who provoked him to tell that. It brings back another memory again. How could he let it pass just like that? I remember him feeling really guilty just because someone got affected because of his comment. He even did something really sweet for that person. Again, something that I did not experience.

Oh God! Am I being too emotional? Am I being too dramatic? Please help me. I long to meet a man who will sincerely love and care for me, who will respect me. I guess it's still not him. Then if it's not him, can you help me move on, please? At the back of my mind right now, I still hope that it's him. At the back of my mind, I'm still hoping to receive another text from him saying sorry. At the back of my mind, I still hope that he'll do something special tomorrow. Lord, Oh Good Lord! Kindly help me realize the things that I have to realize. I do not want another person treating me this way. Please... Please give me the courage to accept the things that I have to do so. Please give me the courage to face and accept the reality. Please... I need to move on. Soon. Now.

To my Future Husband

I have a lot of things on my mind right now. Sorry if this won't make much sense to you, but these are just the random things I want to tell you.

Honestly, there are times when I wonder if you really exist. Ever since I was six years old, I've already dreamed to someday find you. I've dreamed to marry you at the age of 28. My ultimate dream is to have a happy married life. And yes, I already turned 28 last May. Three months have already passed. The clock is ticking, yet I don't even have a suitor. It may sound pathetic, but I'm not even sure if a member of the opposite sex appreciates me. You can imagine how worried I am right now. A lot of my friends already got married. A lot of women my age are happily in a relationship. How about me? It's not that I'm complaining. It's just because of the fact that women have expiration. When I have my own family, I want to enjoy being a mom. It would definitely be nice if I'd still be young to have the strength to play and run with our future children.

People have been telling me that you will come at the right time, in God's impeccable time. That everything happens for a reason. They say that I'm pretty, smart, and kind. My friends say that meeting you is the only thing that I need. They also wonder why I haven't had a boyfriend until now. And I myself ask if there's something wrong with me. Dear, what's been taking you so long? Where are you? What are you doing? Do I already know you? Are you a friend of mine or am I to meet you yet? Are you coming? Are you real?

I'm not sure if it's a sin, but I sometimes cannot help but envy those women who have already found the love of their lives. I dream that someday, I would finally be able to find you. Growing old alone is probably one of my fears, so can you at least give me a sign that you exist? Please? It sometimes makes me feel desperate to fall for the wrong guys. It breaks my heart that until now, no one has fought for me.

Oh well, I'm really confused. I'm not sure what to do right now. I just hope and pray hard that you are for real. When I finally realize that, I'll be the happiest person on earth. When that day comes, I hope we'll be able to completely accept each other. Honestly, I can't wait to know you! I cannot wait to travel and explore the world with you. I cannot wait to have a family with you. I hope we can be the best of friends also. I'm excited to know your family. Oh dear, please don't break my heart.

Wherever you are right now, I hope that you are also thinking of me. From now on, I'll prepare myself to meet you. And again, someday, I hope you'll be able to read this. I just want you to know that I cannot wait to grow old with you. I know that this life will be lovelier if I spend it with you.

God knows we're worth it. I WON'T give up on us...

Just a realization. I hope and pray that I'm doing the right thing. This song perfectly describes where I am right now. "God knows we're worth it."

"I Won't Give Up"

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

It was a blessing after all!

When I woke up yesterday, I faced the mirror and told this to myself -- "No matter what happens, it's going to be a happy day."

For the record: I got up a bit earlier than I did for the past few days. That wasn't bad, right? Of course! Because of that, I timed in just a bit earlier. 5 minutes before the time, to be exact. Haha.

My day seemed to progress well. There was a workshop at work, and we were grouped according to our duties last year. Luckily, I was chosen to be the one taking down notes and reporting them to the big group later on. Yes, report, meaning talk in front of all my colleagues, facing a lot of "nosy" and "critical" people. That was the start of my letdown.

Let me recall that moment now. I was the last one who presented. Before I did, people were already happy with how the first ones did it. Most of them looked very confident. A lot of their presentations had substance. Whoa! For sure, you already have an idea how I felt. I got pressured! I was so sure that they were expecting a lot from me, but how would I do it? My group didn't dwell into details. Of course, that should not be an excuse. Well, during my presentation, I just saw people laughing their eyes out. I got this impression that something was hilarious. The next question now is: Was it in a good or in a bad way? I talked to my friends about it. And based on their answers, it appeared that the answer was the second one. Ouch!

During times like that, I can't help but be "childish" and "paranoid" in a way. Why? What went wrong? Was it that bad? What would people think? Those were the questions that came to my mind. I felt that my day was already ruined. What happened now to the goal that I set that morning?

Well, God is really amazing! Because of that incident, I was assured that a friend is really one. He didn't leave me. He was very patient listening and telling me light stories. It was because of that supposedly "mishap" that I was able to get to know him a bit more, a bit deeper. Thank You, Lord! That was also the reason why I was able to see a very good friend I haven't seen for quite some time. Thank You, dear God!

I am just really thankful now because God is reminding me to entrust everything to Him. He is reminding me of His perfect plan for me. After everything, it still turned out to be a happy day. Thank You, my Best friend J. Thank You!!!

A Note to Self

Stop trying to control the person you are in a relationship with! The only person you can control is you and most of us still can’t do that!

If someone wants to be with you they will find the time to do so no matter how busy their schedule! Stop rationalizing and making excuses for another’s poor treatment and disrespectful behavior! Your intuition and gut feelings are correct!

STOP LYING TO YOURSELF & SETTLING TRYING TO CHANGE SOMEONE THAT’S NOT MEANT FOR YOU!

It’s not going to improve so it’s better, healthier to leave now than years later! Way too many people staying way too long for all the wrong reasons!

DON’T LET THAT BE YOU! A “HISTORY” WITH A PERSON IS NOT A VALID REASON TO STAY!