God's Perfect Time has Finally Come

Today is my birthday. And I still cannot believe that exactly three months from now, God will finally answer my ultimate dream. After several years of praying and begging, God eventually decided to grant my heart's desire. On the 26th day of August 2016, I will be walking down the aisle to my Forever with God as our Witness. With my family, my relatives, and my friends who have seen how I pleaded to find the Love of my Life. If not all, I've probably asked most of them to help me ask God to give it to me. Indeed, God works in mysterious ways.  God makes all things beautiful in His time. And His time is always PERFECT.

Perfect. It could have been more perfect if the person whom I requested to pray for me every single day were still with us physically. He used to go to church with my mom every single day. Unlike my mom who told me to just wait for God's plan, he would always say yes to my wish. I still remember one of our last conversations. I clearly remember it. He said, "Don't worry, anak. Malapit na." My dad is right. A few months after, my love became my boy friend. It was perfect. But then again, it could have been way more perfect if he were there. If he would walk me down the aisle.

(written on the 26th of May)

My Dearest Tatay

I miss you so much. Why is it getting harder as the days pass? As the days pass, I realize even more that I can no longer physically see you. I can no longer physically talk to you. I can no longer hug or kiss you. I can no longer taste your adobo and ginataang tambakol. It hurts me so bad, Da. I can no longer bring you to our favorite places. I can no longer buy you the things that you want. I can no longer bring you to newly opened restaurants. I can no longer let you experience my newly discovered activities. I didn't even have a chance to bring you to Bicol. Ate and I also promised to bring you to Japan. I promised to bring you to Ace to Water Spa. You were so excited to experience them, but they did not happen. I am sorry, Tatay. I am sorry, for we were not longer given the chance to do those things. The priest said it was already your time to go. That each person has his/her own time to go, but it doesn't make the pain bearable. It doesn't make me feel better. There are always days when I feel it the most. That I cannot stop crying. One of my friends is right. The happier I am, the sadder I become. The happier things go, the more I feel that emptiness that only you could fill. I miss you so much, Da.

In one of our last conversations, I asked you to give me some more time to redirect my life. Da, it didn't change that much. I am truly happy to have Mom and ate. I am full of joy that Shermine came into my life. Da, I pray that he's already the answer to our prayer. Please continue to help me pray for that. Please?? I am still scared of a lot of things, Da. I do not know why. I am scared that anyone of our loved ones might follow you. Da, could you please tell God to give us more time together? Da, I also want to have a happy family with Shermine like what we have. I pray that we grow old together with our own children happily. Yes, Dada. I know it was one of your dreams. To be able to take care of  your future grandchildren. To be able to play with them. I'm sure you'll still be able to do that spiritually. However, I pray that Mom will be able to physically witness it. I pray that the same thing happens to ate. That she'll also have her own family with a husband and their own children. I pray for our good health and happiness. I want to do a lot of things. I want to finish a lot of things. I want to achieve a lot of things. I want to fulfill all my dreams. All OUR dreams. However, my progress is slower this time. I'm still not sure what's stopping me from doing all these things. They say that the only way to go is to start moving. I have attempted to do that for several times. Yes, Da. I know what you're going to say. I should keep trying. Like with my healthy living. I should try going back on track again. I should. I will. I shall, Da. I shall make the most of the time that God gives me. I hope God gives me enough time, Tay. I pray that my plans and goals are aligned with God's. I shall graduate with a master's degree in Childhood Education. I shall marry Shermine, have children with him, and we'll have a happy married and family life. We shall have a stable financial life as well as Mom and ate. We shall travel together. We shall be healthy. *sigh* Hug, Dada! In my dreams. I love you, Dada. And I thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you. Salamat po, mahal kong ama. Salamat. Mahal na mahal po namin kayo. Salamat. And I pray that You are already there. With our Almighty God. In Heaven. Our Angel. My Tatay.

I miss you, my Superman, so bad...

Dearest Tatay,

It’s Friday again. It is supposed to be my favourite day. I would often tell you how excited I was when Friday was approaching. I loved it so much that you’d also hear me whining and venting out when weeks seemed to be too long. Da, it’s different now. It’s sad how time flies! As minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months pass, things also change. There are times when the change can barely be felt, but there are also instances when it could be drastic. Too drastic that it can make you impaired. The day that used to give me joy and excitement now brings me some kind of pain and ache that I can hardly explain. It all started that fateful Friday. First Friday. Just like today. Exactly eight months ago.

June 6, 2014. I was widely awake when that day came. It was my friend’s birthday, and I wanted to be among the first ones to greet her. I thought it would just like be the other usual Fridays, but I WAS WRONG.

 

Because I was awake the whole time, I didn't get to wake up (as usual) when you asked my brother to knock in my room. I heard you say that you wanted us to have breakfast together. I heard that, Da, but I was too sleepy and too lazy to get up. You went on with your daily routine. You went jogging before that. You cooked our breakfast after. I assume you also cleaned the house. I was sleeping the whole time. I cannot remember now if I was able to kiss you and Mom or even go down when you were about to leave to go to mass. That day, I wanted to spend time with you. For some reason, there was something inside me that was trying to convince me to be with you. However, my laziness took over. You left your phone that day because it was still charging and asked my youngest brother to bring it to the mall. I'm not sure if it was my brother or it was me who decided that it would just be me who'd meet you there. Then again, I stayed at home. I didn't get to bring your phone. When you came back from the mall, I was still in the room. As always, you were very excited. You called me. You said you were going to cook our favourite ginataang kalabasa and daing from Palawan. I was again given a chance to bond and talk to you. I can still vividly remember that moment. We were both sitting in the sofa, a few inches apart maybe. That moment, I wanted to hug you. I wanted to thank you for everything. I wanted to say how much I love and appreciate you. For the last time, I did not. I still do not know why. I still do not understand why I did not do that. I was always doing that on a regular basis. I would go to your room and kiss you and Mom, but that day was different. It was so weird that I wanted to do it so bad, but something also stopped me. Instead of just staying at home, I even went out that day. Despite my other friend backing out, another friend and I still decided to meet up. I was in a hurry, because I was going to be late (as always). I was in a hurry that I did not even do our regular goodbye routine. I did not get to kiss you. I forgot if I was able to say "God bless po. I love you, and ingat." It took me a loooooong time to get a cab that night. Maybe, something was stopping me to go again, but I did not listen to it. I still waited for a cab and met my friend. When I got to Bubble Tea, my friend and I were too happy to see each other after sometime. We were too happy that we were both laughing so hard. Then, Mom called. The rest was history. Everything happened so quickly. I did not know how I would feel while everything was happening. I was numb. My friend brought me home. There was an ambulance at home. Our neighbours were inside the house. They were bringing you down. Mom was wailing. Then, we were already at the ambulance. I called Ate. I texted some people. The next thing I knew we were already at the hospital and there, they tried to revive you, Tay. I was crying and texting people. The doctor told me that you were not there anymore. I could not believe it. I was trying to be strong. For Mom. Ate who is the strongest next to you was not there. I did not have a choice. I was only given a few minutes to cry. I already had to look for a place where you could rest for the mean time. I didn't have time to grieve. I was the one who chose your coffin. It was the MOST PAINFUL thing that happened to me. Everything else was again, history. You left just like that. I believe that happened too quickly because you did not want us to suffer.

Now, I know why I used to cry whenever  a dad would pass in movies. It was a premonition. I've been crying since I was a little girl. That is how painful it is. I still cannot believe that it already happened to me. The day that I dread the most already happened. Tay, I miss you so so much. We terribly miss you. I thought I already accepted that you are not with us physically, but I haven't. I know that you are happier in with God right now, but it is not the same without you. Tay, I am so sorry for all the things that I have done that hurt you. I did not mean to do those. I am deeply sorry for all the times that I was not able to show how much I love you. Tatay, you are my Superman. I know that you can see me from up there. I would like you to know that I love you. So much. Tay, thank you for everything. You were the person that loved me the most unconditionally. Salamat po. I wish you were still here with us. I wish I was able to show you one of my entries here dedicated to you.  I wish you were here with us because your prayer was already answered. I remember you telling me that I should not worry because God would give me the man of my dreams soon. And I would already have a boy friend. Tay, I wish you were able to meet him. He is a good man like you. I hope and pray that he's already the man that God gave me, the man that we, especially you have prayed for me. Tatay, please continue to pray for us. You're now closer with God. You are truly our angel now. Our star. Still our Superman.

 

Tatay, as you can see, I am still struggling right now. I hope it's not because of my laziness again.  have not accomplished so much since you left. However, I need to live. I have and want to make you proud, Tay. I want to graduate as soon as possible. I want to make you smile. You may not be here with us physically to witness that, but I am one hundred percent sure that you will be the happiest when that happens. Please help me achieve that. Like what we dreamed of, I'll hopefully go  and work abroad after I graduate. I will save, so I can fulfil our dreams. We'll buy a house and a car. We'll have a business. We'll develop the place that you bought for us. Then finally, for my ultimate dream, I will marry my boy friend. Too bad you won't be able to bring me to the altar anymore. I know you promised that, and you will fulfil that promise by being there in spirit. You also dreamed of playing with your future grandchildren. I know that it will still happen because you will still guide and protect them.

 

My Superman, you may not be physically here with us, but I am certain that you still guide and protect us. Thank you so much, Tay, for everything. We love you so much. One tight and long hug, please??

Finally taking the risk...

dd

Another Letter

I've never had a relationship before, so I 

don't know if what I'm about to do is right. The only

thing I know is that I want to be honest with you. I would also appreciate if 

you'd do the same thing. Rest assured that this will be the last time that

I'm going to talk about this. I just really really want to know the truth.

You already answered it before, yet our conversation that time wasn't that serious.

If I remember it right, we were just chatting that time.

Last night, I didn't get a good sleep. Why? I realized

that I'm getting used to talking to you every day. I got

scared. 

Maybe now you're asking what makes me scared. Well, the other night,

we had a conversation about your ex. Actually, I wasn't so convinced with your answers.

I'm not sure if you noticed that.

You know that I've had a lot of friends whose hearts

were broken by the men they trusted the most, right? So we always had these

long conversations trying to figure out why their men did this and that. Now, I wonder

why can't men answer those questions themselves. 

So, here! I'm trying to be brave. This is the first time in my life that

I'll be blatantly frank. I want it to come from you, and I believe I deserve

an honest answer. Have you really moved on? You already answered it, but are you sure

that I'm not your rebound? Why are these questions coming out again? Because I cound't sleep 

last night, I googled the signs that tell if a guy has already moved on from his ex or signs

that tell if a girl is a guy's rebound. Guess what you got two of those signs.

Number one, you were too clingy at the start of our friendship. I already mentioned it

the other time, right? You were already saying that you miss me, etc.

Number two, when you started courting me, you posted stuff on my wall. Why? Was that because you wanted her to see that you already moved on even if you haven't?

Lastly, you said you had this two-year relationship with her. Then, she broke up with you.

Then after a year, you got back together again. Then for the second time, she broke

up with you for the same reason. After a few months,

I came into picture. Can you really move on in that short span of time?

When exactly did you break up? I know it's not good to compare, but for your information,

it took me a year or two to move on.

That's it. I don't know if I'll be able to tell this to you. Praying hard that I'll be brave.

Asking God to guide me and show me the right decision.

Do you know what, when you started to make friends with me and later on expressed
that you wanted to court me, I just went with the flow. I told myself "Okay, I'll just enjoy
it." Now, it came to the point when it's getting real. You are gradually becoming part
of my routine. You are becoming part of my life. And I'm getting scared. Too scared.

My Precious King

Why do I always see your name (literally and figuratively) wherever I look?

What this Feeling Does

Wow! I can't believe that I'm having another entry again. It's 2nd day in a row, and it's record-breaking! I don't know. I just feel that I have to document or remember these things. Someday, I have a feeling that they will matter. I just feel that something good is about to happen. Oops, I'm assuming and hoping again! Well, I just have to share it in a way.

Last night, I slept feeling sad and disappointed. Feeling heart broken. However, a part of me was already ready to move on. I know right, I always say that. Fall in love. Move on. Fall in love with same person. Get hurt. Move on. Fall in love. It's really getting to be like a cycle already. It tires me sometimes.

This morning, I don't remember expecting anymore. I was happy because I was able to sleep, and I continued doing my morning routine. After taking a bath, tadaaa! I saw his text message. He said "Good morning!," and reminded me to greet her. It took me some time to figure out if I would reply or not. Of course, I did. I said "Yes, thanks!," and told him that I got hurt, but he didn't even say sorry. I had the courage to say that. I was also surprised because I don't usually say that to people outside my family. I'm not that vocal even with my best friend. He apologized, and when I didn't accept his first apology, he said "sorry" for like 28 times. I'm not sure if I'm being hollow, but I felt his sincerity and forgave him right away haha.

In the afternoon, we had a rehearsal. He was late. Seeing each other, we acted normally. Talking. Teasing each other. The normal us.

I know I'm just into him; that's why, I keep on giving meaning to everything that relates to him. I just wanted to share that two people expressed that, for the lack of a better term, we're perfect for each other. One of them was my coworker, and the other one is my friend. It feels like I'm in cloud 9 again.

However, Lord, just like yesterday, I still have the same prayer. I am still asking for that courage to face whatever is meant to happen. However, I am also begging you to help me do the right thing. Thank you, Jesus Christ! I love you! Please continue to help my family.

PS
Please help my sister get her pass. Thank you! Please?