Dearest Tatay,
It’s Friday again. It is supposed to be my
favourite day. I would often tell you how excited I was when Friday was
approaching. I loved it so much that you’d also hear me whining and venting out
when weeks seemed to be too long. Da, it’s different now. It’s sad how time
flies! As minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months pass, things also change. There are
times when the change can barely be felt, but there are also instances when it
could be drastic. Too drastic that it can make you impaired. The day that used
to give me joy and excitement now brings me some kind of pain and ache that I
can hardly explain. It all started that fateful Friday. First Friday. Just like today. Exactly eight months ago.
June 6, 2014. I was widely awake when that day
came. It was my friend’s birthday, and I wanted to be among the first ones to
greet her. I thought it would just like be the other usual Fridays, but I WAS WRONG.
Because I was awake the whole time, I didn't get to wake up (as usual) when you asked my brother to knock in my room. I heard you say that you wanted us to have breakfast together. I heard that, Da, but I was too sleepy and too lazy to get up. You went on with your daily routine. You went jogging before that. You cooked our breakfast after. I assume you also cleaned the house. I was sleeping the whole time. I cannot remember now if I was able to kiss you and Mom or even go down when you were about to leave to go to mass. That day, I wanted to spend time with you. For some reason, there was something inside me that was trying to convince me to be with you. However, my laziness took over. You left your phone that day because it was still charging and asked my youngest brother to bring it to the mall. I'm not sure if it was my brother or it was me who decided that it would just be me who'd meet you there. Then again, I stayed at home. I didn't get to bring your phone. When you came back from the mall, I was still in the room. As always, you were very excited. You called me. You said you were going to cook our favourite ginataang kalabasa and daing from Palawan. I was again given a chance to bond and talk to you. I can still vividly remember that moment. We were both sitting in the sofa, a few inches apart maybe. That moment, I wanted to hug you. I wanted to thank you for everything. I wanted to say how much I love and appreciate you. For the last time, I did not. I still do not know why. I still do not understand why I did not do that. I was always doing that on a regular basis. I would go to your room and kiss you and Mom, but that day was different. It was so weird that I wanted to do it so bad, but something also stopped me. Instead of just staying at home, I even went out that day. Despite my other friend backing out, another friend and I still decided to meet up. I was in a hurry, because I was going to be late (as always). I was in a hurry that I did not even do our regular goodbye routine. I did not get to kiss you. I forgot if I was able to say "God bless po. I love you, and ingat." It took me a loooooong time to get a cab that night. Maybe, something was stopping me to go again, but I did not listen to it. I still waited for a cab and met my friend. When I got to Bubble Tea, my friend and I were too happy to see each other after sometime. We were too happy that we were both laughing so hard. Then, Mom called. The rest was history. Everything happened so quickly. I did not know how I would feel while everything was happening. I was numb. My friend brought me home. There was an ambulance at home. Our neighbours were inside the house. They were bringing you down. Mom was wailing. Then, we were already at the ambulance. I called Ate. I texted some people. The next thing I knew we were already at the hospital and there, they tried to revive you, Tay. I was crying and texting people. The doctor told me that you were not there anymore. I could not believe it. I was trying to be strong. For Mom. Ate who is the strongest next to you was not there. I did not have a choice. I was only given a few minutes to cry. I already had to look for a place where you could rest for the mean time. I didn't have time to grieve. I was the one who chose your coffin. It was the MOST PAINFUL thing that happened to me. Everything else was again, history. You left just like that. I believe that happened too quickly because you did not want us to suffer.
Now, I know why I used to cry whenever a dad would pass in movies. It was a premonition. I've been crying since I was a little girl. That is how painful it is. I still cannot believe that it already happened to me. The day that I dread the most already happened. Tay, I miss you so so much. We terribly miss you. I thought I already accepted that you are not with us physically, but I haven't. I know that you are happier in with God right now, but it is not the same without you. Tay, I am so sorry for all the things that I have done that hurt you. I did not mean to do those. I am deeply sorry for all the times that I was not able to show how much I love you. Tatay, you are my Superman. I know that you can see me from up there. I would like you to know that I love you. So much. Tay, thank you for everything. You were the person that loved me the most unconditionally. Salamat po. I wish you were still here with us. I wish I was able to show you one of my entries here dedicated to you. I wish you were here with us because your prayer was already answered. I remember you telling me that I should not worry because God would give me the man of my dreams soon. And I would already have a boy friend. Tay, I wish you were able to meet him. He is a good man like you. I hope and pray that he's already the man that God gave me, the man that we, especially you have prayed for me. Tatay, please continue to pray for us. You're now closer with God. You are truly our angel now. Our star. Still our Superman.
Tatay, as you can see, I am still struggling right now. I hope it's not because of my laziness again. have not accomplished so much since you left. However, I need to live. I have and want to make you proud, Tay. I want to graduate as soon as possible. I want to make you smile. You may not be here with us physically to witness that, but I am one hundred percent sure that you will be the happiest when that happens. Please help me achieve that. Like what we dreamed of, I'll hopefully go and work abroad after I graduate. I will save, so I can fulfil our dreams. We'll buy a house and a car. We'll have a business. We'll develop the place that you bought for us. Then finally, for my ultimate dream, I will marry my boy friend. Too bad you won't be able to bring me to the altar anymore. I know you promised that, and you will fulfil that promise by being there in spirit. You also dreamed of playing with your future grandchildren. I know that it will still happen because you will still guide and protect them.
My Superman, you may not be physically here with us, but I am certain that you still guide and protect us. Thank you so much, Tay, for everything. We love you so much. One tight and long hug, please??
