My Dearest Tatay

I miss you so much. Why is it getting harder as the days pass? As the days pass, I realize even more that I can no longer physically see you. I can no longer physically talk to you. I can no longer hug or kiss you. I can no longer taste your adobo and ginataang tambakol. It hurts me so bad, Da. I can no longer bring you to our favorite places. I can no longer buy you the things that you want. I can no longer bring you to newly opened restaurants. I can no longer let you experience my newly discovered activities. I didn't even have a chance to bring you to Bicol. Ate and I also promised to bring you to Japan. I promised to bring you to Ace to Water Spa. You were so excited to experience them, but they did not happen. I am sorry, Tatay. I am sorry, for we were not longer given the chance to do those things. The priest said it was already your time to go. That each person has his/her own time to go, but it doesn't make the pain bearable. It doesn't make me feel better. There are always days when I feel it the most. That I cannot stop crying. One of my friends is right. The happier I am, the sadder I become. The happier things go, the more I feel that emptiness that only you could fill. I miss you so much, Da.

In one of our last conversations, I asked you to give me some more time to redirect my life. Da, it didn't change that much. I am truly happy to have Mom and ate. I am full of joy that Shermine came into my life. Da, I pray that he's already the answer to our prayer. Please continue to help me pray for that. Please?? I am still scared of a lot of things, Da. I do not know why. I am scared that anyone of our loved ones might follow you. Da, could you please tell God to give us more time together? Da, I also want to have a happy family with Shermine like what we have. I pray that we grow old together with our own children happily. Yes, Dada. I know it was one of your dreams. To be able to take care of  your future grandchildren. To be able to play with them. I'm sure you'll still be able to do that spiritually. However, I pray that Mom will be able to physically witness it. I pray that the same thing happens to ate. That she'll also have her own family with a husband and their own children. I pray for our good health and happiness. I want to do a lot of things. I want to finish a lot of things. I want to achieve a lot of things. I want to fulfill all my dreams. All OUR dreams. However, my progress is slower this time. I'm still not sure what's stopping me from doing all these things. They say that the only way to go is to start moving. I have attempted to do that for several times. Yes, Da. I know what you're going to say. I should keep trying. Like with my healthy living. I should try going back on track again. I should. I will. I shall, Da. I shall make the most of the time that God gives me. I hope God gives me enough time, Tay. I pray that my plans and goals are aligned with God's. I shall graduate with a master's degree in Childhood Education. I shall marry Shermine, have children with him, and we'll have a happy married and family life. We shall have a stable financial life as well as Mom and ate. We shall travel together. We shall be healthy. *sigh* Hug, Dada! In my dreams. I love you, Dada. And I thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you. Salamat po, mahal kong ama. Salamat. Mahal na mahal po namin kayo. Salamat. And I pray that You are already there. With our Almighty God. In Heaven. Our Angel. My Tatay.